| (no subject) |
[Dec. 17th, 2006|08:57 pm] |
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Everything is falling apart. I'm so fucking unhappy. I'm quitting Applebee's, I can't take it there anymore. I haven't gotten accepted into any colleges yet. Everything is so shitty. I have no money, I feel like shit all the time, and there's nothing I can do about because I'm stuck in high school in York with my parents. Fuck this. I'm ignored by everyone that has ever mattered to me and I am completely disconnected from my Pittsburgh friends. I can't even come home for Christmas because I'm only 18 and I live with my parents, I'm not allowed to drive there because I have to share my car with my sister and my parents still don't trust my driving abilities, and I have no money to get there by train or bus, and no one to stay with. I don't know what to do anymore. |
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| Body modification and realizations. |
[Nov. 18th, 2006|11:41 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | Determined. | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Fischerspooner. | ] |
This week has been sweet.
I've gotten to get drunk and dance a lot with people I love.
My weekend activities included getting the inside of my lower lip tattooed today.
It says "veritas" which is truth in Latin. I know some people think it's pointless since no one will ever see it. But it's not for other people to see. I decided to get it because I really like what it means and that it's not visible. I've wanted that tattoo for a while now but didn't get it until now because I'm finally ready to live differently. I'm going to be truthful with myself. I'm done deceiving myself about so many things and doing things that I can't live with anymore. I'm done with heavy partying and being insincerely affectionate. I hate not being able to stand myself the next day. I'm also done with certain people, no matter how often they try to somehow invade my life.
Along with getting tattooed today, Kristyn dyed my hair for me. Now it's dark brown; people either love it or hate it. I'm glad I changed external things to motivate interior changes. |
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| My exit unobserved. |
[Nov. 14th, 2006|11:03 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | Frustrated | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | tapes 'n tapes. | ] |
I want to change everything about myself and everything I've ever done.
I hate everything about myself from my physical appearance to who I am as a person.
Lately, this self-loathing has become more and more intense; it completely consumes me.
I know this all reverts back to being self-absorbed and dwelling on the past.
I can't seem to live in the present, I'm always reflecting on memories or mistakes. |
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| Oh the morning after. |
[Nov. 5th, 2006|06:11 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | Tired | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Every Time I Die | ] |
I finally got myself together after taking a much needed two days off of school.
This weekend has been pretty good too since I saw Borat on Friday with Kristen, Missy, Brent, and 8347839 other people, made fun of everyone at RTC with Missy, and started a sweet game of beer pong at 3:00AM.
However, working at double shift on Saturday while hungover and exhausted from no sleep whatsoever was not so sweet.
I work another double shift today, ugh. I just hope I'm making a lot of money. |
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| Halloween Weekend. |
[Oct. 27th, 2006|02:27 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | Excited | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | The Books | ] |
I have high hopes for this weekend not being totally beat.
Last night I slept over Missy's with Kristen and had lots of wine.
I fucking love those girls, I'm really sad they're moving to Philly soon.
Tonight I work at Applebee's of course and I'll probably stay in since I want to go to New Jersey tomorrow night for a costume party. I'm not sure what I'm dressing up as though. |
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| Laugh it all off in your face. |
[Oct. 19th, 2006|01:22 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | Anxious. | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Ed Gein | ] |
I'm really stressed out.
I need to re-do my culminating project which entails writing three new original pieces for my portfolio and trying to get them published.
I have to apply to Pitt, Pointe Park, Penn State, and Temple by Thanksgiving. I also have to re-take the SATs and take the ACTs.
I need to continue working 40+ hours a week while keep my grades up.
So, I'm feeling really overwhelmed.
Aside from that I'm struggling to keep it together emotionally.
I hate not having a normal senior year and not being at North Allegheny.
I can't stand Dallastown kids or high school kids in general despite being one of them, shut up I know.
I want to have genuine relationships with people and a normal social life that doesn't constantly involve getting fucked up.
Fortunately though, I got to see HeavyHeavy LowLow, Ed Gein, and Ligeia last week with Kristen and hang out with cool girls. Oh and I'm coming home to Pittsburgh to visit colleges on the 21st. I'm also going to New York City November 11th. Chyea.
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 9th, 2006|10:18 pm] |
I want to spill the contents of my heart onto your lap.
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 7th, 2006|11:51 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | Mixed up. | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Snow Patrol. | ] |
Tonight was my senior homecoming and I didn't go.
I doubt I'll be going to any parties tonight either.
I'll admit that I regret not going because now I feel like such a loser.
Ihate knowing that I'd be loving my senior year if the circumstances were different.
But then again, I feel like I'm so over high school and perhaps thinking that way is better for me.
Things are really fucking hard right now and I wish I didn't have to deal with any of it and that I didn't have so much hanging over my head.
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| Would you lie with me and just forget the world? |
[Oct. 2nd, 2006|09:47 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | Stressed. | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | The Thermals | ] |
All I do is work 50 hours a week and try and keep the whole school thing together.
I have yet to complete my culminating project, I'll probably fail it and fail high school..sweet.
I've also become asexual since boys are worthless with the exception of all my "brahs".
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 22nd, 2006|10:22 pm] |
My endeavors
Have ever come too short of my desires.
Yet filed with my abilities.
[William Shakespeare-Henry VIII] |
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| If I don't catch your eyes tonight. |
[Sep. 18th, 2006|04:34 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | Bored. | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Million Dead | ] |
I really need to get my culminating project done.
After that I can pretty much not care about anything.
This weekend was crazy, just like every other weekend.
I love it, but I think I'm getting sick which isn't so sweet. |
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| No one wants to pay to see your happiness. |
[Sep. 14th, 2006|12:59 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | Blah. | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | The Briggs | ] |
I don't think I've felt this depressed or empty in a really long time.
The worst part is knowing I feel this way because I don't have distractions.
I haven't smoked or drank in 3 days, the one boy I care about is four hours away living with one of my best friends, I don't have anyone in York that is consistently/completely there for me, I'm exhausted from working all the time, I don't care about any of the things that other seniors care about or are excited for like homecoming/prom/etc.
I just want to get out of here so fucking bad, it's weeks like this that make life in York unbearable.
Unfortunately, I can't fast forward to next year or come up with enough money to do the things that actually matter to me.
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| I was once alive. |
[Sep. 10th, 2006|11:02 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | Hungover | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Mewithoutyou | ] |
School has begun, it's okay despite not having classes with any of my friends.
I was almost arrested the other night and saw all my friends get handcuffed which was the scariest thing ever.
Oh and I pretty much work constantly. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 27th, 2006|12:55 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | Sad | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Every Time I Die | ] |
School starts in four days.
I'm upset about so many things right now.
I wish it wasn't so difficult to be okay for once.
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| You are the smell before rain, you are the blood in my veins. |
[Aug. 18th, 2006|11:41 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | Sad. | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Gray Matter. | ] |
These past five days have been the best five days of my summer.
Josh took a bus to York and stayed with me for five days.
We got to spend a lot of time together, I loved it.
We went to Baltimore and he got to meet some of my friends in York and party with us.
We saw mother fucking Snakes on a Plane too, haha.
It was pretty much wonderful being with him.
He makes me so happy, I absolutely hated saying goodbye.
I fucking miss him so much already.
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| Don't forget me yesterday because today is no place to stay. |
[Aug. 7th, 2006|09:42 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | Anxious | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | "Scream Team" Deerhoof | ] |
This past week I almost got myself killed and my parents knew that I was fucked up.
They have never questioned me before, but this weekend I was an absolute wreck.
I'm not in trouble or anything, I just don't want to fuck up again.
I had a meeting with my guidance counselour and Dr. Fauth, the superintendent about my plans for this upcoming year.
At Dallastown during the first semester I am taking Western Civilizations, Computer Applications, Phys. Ed., Shakespeare, and Intro to Law everyday in order to graduate.
I'll be done with school everyday by 12:30 and I don't have to go to Dallastown for learning purposes after January because I will have technically graduated already.
All I really need to do is my culminating project on journalism and bring up my SAT scores then I can basically breeze through the first semester and final semester of my senior year.
During my first semester I'll be doing the work transition program as well so I can earn money.
The second semester I get to take college courses at Penn State York while working.
I'm excited.
This plan is unorthodox and I won't really be participating in "SENIOR" stuff (i.e. the prom, senior class trip, etc.) not because I can't, but because I doubt I'll want to.
I doubt I'll even go to graduation commencement practices and the ceremony, I'll probably just get my diploma.
It doesn't matter to me really, I just want to get out of here.
I got another job at Starbucks so I might quit Applebee's since I'm not making enough money there.
I start at Starbucks on the 14th, then I go on vacation to the beach from the 19th to the 26th.
I better be able to go home to visit or have a certain boy come down here.
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| I don’t need a photograph because you've never left my mind. |
[Aug. 2nd, 2006|09:36 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | Gross. | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | "Disconnect the dots" of Montreal | ] |
Okay, so I'm not able to move in with Lena and her family and go to North Allegheny for my senior year. We were unable to finance having an apartment to use as an address/proof of residency within the district. My family can't afford it. I'm really upset but there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. So, I'm going to Dallastown for the first semester of the school year for half the day and spending the second half of my day at PennState York or York College to receive college credits. In addition to school I'll be working lots. However, I want another job other than Applebees. It all seems really complicated but the result will be early graduation by the end of the first semester. Then for the second half of the year I can continue going to PennState York or York College as a part time student and work full time. I will have earned money for college and will have received some college credits at a reduced rate. I suppose this is the best plan for educational and financial purposes.
Unfortunately, next year's plans leave me missing everyone that's four hours away. I hate that so much. It's really difficult having a life somewhere else. I really hope that I can visit soon or have Josh come up here and stay with me. He's the only boy that has sincerely meant something all summer.
Oh and I really need to start getting healthy and eating normally again. I miss running and being in amazing shape. Cross country is going to be br00tal this year since I've been smoking and not running at all. Ugh.
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| Senior year complications. |
[Jul. 28th, 2006|10:36 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | Bored. | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Angels and Airwaves...STFU. | ] |
This entry will serve the purpose of an update on this upcoming school year's plans.
I got accepted into York Catholic.
I can do the dual enrollment program at Dallastown/Penn State York, or I can do the work transition program at Dallastown, or graduate a semester early from Dallastown.
Unfortunately, North Allegheny is being difficult and wants me to take all these bullshit courses that I'm well beyond. Ugh.
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| I've always been a coward, and I dont know what's good for me. |
[Jul. 24th, 2006|10:20 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | Angry. | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | The Futureheads | ] |
I think now would be a good time to assess reality and the way things are most likely going to end up next year.
I probably won't be able to go back to North Allegheny unless some financial miracle happens to fall into my lap.
My family and I cannot afford to pay the Berrys, rent an apartment to use as my district residence address, pay taxes for both North Allegheny and Dallastown/pay for my sister to go to York Catholic, buy my sister a car, travel back and forth between Pittsburgh and York, and/or any other expenses.
Given those circumstances I have the following options: going to York Catholic next year instead of Dallastown, going to Dallastown, or graduating Dallastown early.
However, I will probably not get into York Catholic because my grades from my junior year are awful and I had disciplinary problems (i.e. skipping school and ISS).
So I will most likely be forced to grit my teeth and attend Dallastown which will entail completing the fucking Culminating Project (a.k.a. the biggest joke/waste of time ever).
I have 21.9 credits and you need 24 to graduate, so I will be taking double gym and one more social studies course.
Why does this have to be so fucking complicated?
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| You know our hearts beat time they're waiting for something that'll never arrive. |
[Jul. 23rd, 2006|11:19 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | Sad. | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Sigur Ros. | ] |
Everything needs to work out.
Nothing feels okay without certain people.
It's becoming apparent that my facade is worn.
And I swear everyone around me can see my insides.
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